What have you done lately in the name of world peace? I’ll tell you what I did. Yesterday I was having coffee at the Urth Café. This bastard was giving his waiter a hard time. It was a real bitch-fest. This poor waiter, he didn’t do anything wrong. He was just doing his job. But this customer was a real jack-pants. So I took my butter knife, and I drove that blunt blade deep into this guy’s neck. Pop! Blood started gushing, the whole nine yards, everyone was upset, even the waiter who I’d saved from humiliation. But that’s the kind of man I am. When I believe in something, I do something about it. And one thing you motherfuckers better know: I believe in world peace.  

You know when someone’s lying to you? Do dolphins and whales and all that tell lies, too? What about cougars? My guess is no. My guess is that in the animal and the fish world, everybody tells the truth, and when it’s your time you get eaten. One day I’m going to be king of the animals. Live among them, in a natural state of being. And when that day comes, I’m going to train myself an animal army, and we’re gonna take it to the streets.

The unicorns, from kids’ books? I saw one the other day here in the Canyon, up by Mullholland. Then some asshole ran it over. But the unicorn didn’t die, so old Johnny had to roll up on it and shoot it nine times in the face. Then I realized it wasn’t a unicorn. It was this guy named Brad, in a Prius. Was this a dream? Maybe. Maybe.

...with a powerful producer from Paramount, and he told something I want to pass on: never wear ruffled shirts. Never. I grabbed him around the neck and smashed his face on the table, because I don’t give a fuck what some producer from Paramount has to say about how I should live my life.

and I ran into Desi Arnez Jr. And he told me something that changed me forever. He said, Johnny, stay golden, like a great golden pony. And then he reached out, and a bird landed on his upturned palm. That bird sat on his hand and sang his little song, and Desi smiled. Then, before I knew what was happening, he closed his hand real fast, and he squeezed and crushed that bird until the blood ran through his fingers. And then he ate that bird, right there, like that, raw.

It's Johnny O'Banion time - all the entertainment news you you need to know. You ever watch Charlie's Angels? Listen, I used to fuck the smart, librarian-looking Angel, the one with the boxy hairdo. This was in '79. I smeared her up in mayonaise, things got weird, she wanted to pull out my teeth and make a necklace, I said, whoa there, I just spent 10 large on caps, back off sister, then I had to chain her to the bed. You ever do anything like that?